Recently, I finished working out and was walking to the locker room with my 7-yr-old son to gather our belongings. It was a little crowded but nothing out of the ordinary. When we arrived, there was of course an individual getting changed in close proximity. Murphy’s Law pretty much guarantees that was going to happen.
I didn’t make eye contact because I know the rules. The other individual obviously didn’t and proceeded to have a conversation with us as he stood there naked with one leg up on the bench. And that is all I have to say about that.
It occurred to me that my experience wasn’t as delightful as it could have been that day. Likely because others neglected to follow the unwritten rules of the locker room. It made sense since most people are unaware of these commandments. When we initially joined the gym, they never provided rules of locker room conduct. So I took it upon myself to draft an important few in the hopes that they could be built upon. Maybe even printed out and hung up. So here goes.
7 officially, unofficial rules of every men’s locker room. Follow with care.
- No sight seeing. Unless you are looking for locker, your workout friend or your lost child, your eyes should remain in a fixed position that will get you from point A to point B. This is not a museum even though you may find the occasional ancient, artifact walking around.
- When naked, limit direct eye contact with strangers. It’s not nice to stare people down when you are clothed. It’s extra creepy when you are not. And borderline illegal when it is aimed at younger children.
- Do not elevate legs more then 10 degrees. Keep your feet on the ground. Or damn close to it. Stretching should be done before or after workouts inside the gym. There is absolutely no need to lift your leg and show the room your danglers. Side note: Elevating leg above 10 degrees and direct eye contact for extended periods of time is grounds for caning.
- No food. Unless you have a fetish for eating sandwiches off of toilet seats, snacks should remain outside.
- Respect the 12″ safety radius. It gets crowded. People bring in racquetball racquets. Others are bending down to get their gym bags. Prevent an accident.
- Sox / shoes are not to be worn alone. Shorts and pants are their natural companions. They need to be worn together.
- Blow dryers are for your head. That is all.
- No snapping towels. No!